Mathematical Meltdown
My friends tell me I'm detached and vague because of violence on television. My neighbor says it's because of global warming. I think it's because of the story problem.
In elementary school and junior high, I had math teachers who wielded the story problem like Darth Vader brandishing a light saber. When it came time to assign homework, a Grinch-like grin would slither across their faces: The good news is, you only have five problems to solve for tomorrow," they would say. "The bad news is, they are story problems." Then they would break out in fits of maniacal laughter and bolt for the lounge to smoke half a pack of Lucky's while I trembled at my desk, praying for the sun to burn itself out before 8:30 the next morning. Annihilation of the planet seemed a more enjoyable way to spend the evening than trying to estimate rainfall in Utah based on Jupiter's gravitational pull.
Thanks to the story problem, I am so intimidated by math that grocery shopping is hazardous to my health. I try and total the bill in my head as I walk down the aisle, and pretty soon images blur, sounds become random, and motor skills deteriorate. In a matter of minutes, I wind up lying face down in the produce section, hugging a bag of russet potatoes and trying to explain negative integers to the cucumbers.
But don't just take my word for it. Read the following story problems carefully and answer the question at the end of each. If you're anything like me, your brain will be reduced to a pile of warm farina. Give it your best shot, and don't blame me if you start to feel lightheaded.
Problem 1: Johnny is a young boy spending the summer on his grandparents' farm in upstate New York. Mable and Earl, Johnny's grandparents, have 160 acres of apple trees. Seventy-two percent of the trees are Granny Smith apples. Seventeen percent of the trees are Red Delicious apples. The other trees (eleven percent of the total orchard) are a combination of Mutsu and Macintosh apples. If Johnny's dog, Piper, weighs 14.3 kilograms, how many Granny Smith apples are in the bushel Johnny picked shortly before lunch? (Hint: Take your time with this one. You'll still never come up with an answer, but why rush toward certain defeat?)
Still with me? Good. Here's the last part of the test. Good luck, and feel free to use a slide rule on this one. It is 1962 and the McCormicks have just purchased a bomb shelter. Mr. McCormick is standing in the backyard, smoking his pipe and overseeing the construction, while Mrs. McCormick makes out a list of canned goods that she will stock in the bomb shelter. Their son, Cubby, has noticed that lima beans are on the list of foods that will sustain him through Armageddon. If the soil in the McCormick's backyard is clay-based, and Cubby suggests the lima beans be replaced with steamed turnips, how many days will it take Mrs. McCormick to figure out that her bonehead husband has just squandered the family savings on a device that will serve less than no purpose in the event of a nuclear war? Remember that Cubby is not her son's given name.
The answer to both problems is nineteen. Not because there really is an answer. It's just that I've been putting down nineteen as the answer to every story problem I've encountered since the 4th grade. The way I see it, one of these days I'm going to be right,and that's good enough for me.
