Pond Scum: A Sea Epic of Microscopic Proportions
Sam's Sorry Trap
NARRATOR:
When we last saw our mono-celled sailors, the S.S. ScumRunner was about to set sail on a mission rife with danger and peppered with just enough sexual intrigue to attract sponsors.
SCENE:
Sam's Evil Toupee and his gang of malevolent bag boys are on the deck of the S.S. BigWig. Sam's Evil Toupee is watching through the periscope.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Just a few more minutes and those fribbling ScumRunners will be right where I want them. Bag Boy Carl! Stop pricing those weapons of mass destruction and bring me a latte so I can enjoy the end of my nemesis.
BAG BOY CARL:
(The weapons of mass destruction he is pricing are several cartons of outdated milk) Nemeses, sir.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Que? (Subtitle on screen says "What?")
BAG BOY CARL:
Nemeses, sir. Nemeses is plural for nemesis. However it is seldom used and therefore somewhat awkward. I suggest restructuring the sentence to avoid painting oneself into a lexical corner.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Silence you insolent serf! Bring me my latte before I cast your thankless soul back into that pathetic hovel of a grocery where you came from!
BAG BOY CARL:
Whatever, Mr. I End My Sentences With A Preposition.
SCENE:
Aboard the S.S. ScumRunner. Eugene is mopping the deck while Parry sits in a lounge chair, sipping a tropical drink and fanning himself as he watches Eugene from behind, admiring his physique and watching his flagellum flip back and forth.
EUGENE:
Parry, how does everything look?
PARRY:
Paramecium overboard. Don't anyone pinch me. I want to stay in this scrumptious little dream all day.
SLUGGO:
(Off camera as he is up in the crow's nest) Captain, off starboard! (Parry looks up at crow's nest and a piece of pizza lands on his face) Sorry, Parry.
SCENE:
Captain is alongside Sigfreid and Roy at the helm. They look back to the crow's nest and then out to sea. Captain is looking through binoculars.
CAPTAIN:
What do you suppose it is? (Roy yanks binoculars from Captain. Binoculars are still wrapped around Captain's neck)
ROY::
Do you think it's some sort of trap? (Shot of a sign floating on a buoy in the water that reads: Don't worry. This is not a trap.)
SIGFREID:
(Yanking binoculars from Roy and wrapping up the Captain even more) Do you think it's the handiwork of Sam's Evil Toupee? (Shot of another buoy sign: Don't worry. This is not the handiwork of Sam's Evil Toupee.)
CAPTAIN:
(Yanking the binoculars back) All of this intrigue and suspense is making me hungry. (Shot of another buoy: Free buffet. All the mutton you can eat!)
CAPTAIN, SIGFREID & ROY:
Alright! Let's go! Full speed ahead! Gonna get me some mutton!
SCENE:
Back on the deck of the S.S. BigWig.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
(Watching through the periscope) They fell for it! What buffoons! I must do my interpretive dance of joy. (Avant-garde jazz plays as Sam's Evil Toupee appears beneath a single blue light. He performs a ridiculous modern dance for a few moments and then strikes a dramatic pose before the blue light cuts to black. Scene returns immediately to Sam's Evil Toupee sitting in the captain's chair.) Bag Boy Darren! Fire up the Cytoplasmic Reversal Flume. Set it to full speed.
BAG BOY DARREN:
(Sounding exactly like Scottie from Star Trek) Captain, she can't go any faster. (Sam's Evil Toupee shoots him a confused look and then Bag Boy Darren smirks, resuming his regular voice) Just kidding around, chief. You fall for that one every time. (Flips a switch, sits back in his chair and pops open a Yoo-Hoo.)
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
As soon as the SS ScumRunner sails over the flashpoint, the cytoplasmic reversal flume will scramble the inside of those single-celled sops like so many eggs. Then this vast and glorious ocean will belong to me and me alone. Ahh, the Petri Dish Sea. She is filled with secrets and treasures beyond our wildest dreams.
BAG BOY DARREN:
I thought we were scooped up from a mud puddle in Arby's parking lot.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Silence! Let me enjoy this, my finest hour.
SCENE:
The deck of the SS ScumRunner.
SIGFREID:
I don't like the looks of this, Captain.
PARRY:
(Pointing off starboard) There! (Shot of a floating dock with a large sign that reads: Dock right here. Come on, be popular! Everyone is doing it!)
ROY::
It looks like a trap.
EUGENE:
What if it is supposed to look like a trap and the real trap is actually somewhere else?
CAPTAIN:
Good observation, Eugene. The old trap that's not really a trap because the real trap is somewhere other than the obvious trap designed to look just like a trap. That's the oldest trick in the book.
PARRY:
I thought Merv Griffin was the oldest trick in the book.
CAPTAIN:
What can you see up there, Sluggo?
SLUGGO:
(Up in crow's nest and wearing dime store x-ray glasses. He is giggling.) I can see all of you naked.
SIGFREID:
Captain, I think it's a trap.
ROY::
Of course it's a trap. I already said that.
SIGFREID:
But not the kind of trap you think it is.
ROY::
Oh, and now you know what I'm thinking, is that it?
SIGFREID:
We share the same cytoplasm, Roy. Of course I know what you're thinking.
ROY::
Of all the amoebas in the pond to get stuck with in a botched binary fission, I get this guy.
EUGENE:
Captain, I think we should be looking for the trap somewhere else.
CAPTAIN:
Another point for the new guy. Wait, are we looking for a trap? Is that what we're doing? Should we put this to a vote?
EVERYONE:
(All talking at once) I don't want to sail into a trap. Why are we looking for a trap? Shouldn't we be avoiding a trap? Shouldn't we be at the Eddie Bauer outlet for their fall chinos sale?
SCENE:
(Aboard the S.S. BigWig)
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Blast those diminutive dimwits! They're drifting away from the trap. We're going to miss our chance. Bag Boy Ethan, open the flume!
SCENE:
Bag Boy Ethan is sitting in front of a glowing monitor, his brow covered in sweat as he wrestles with the controls. A cigarette with a long ash hangs from his lower lip.
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Can't...break...free!
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Bag Boy Ethan!
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Must...regain...upper...hand!
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Bag Boy Ethan! Bag Boy Ethan! What is wrong with the flume?
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Last...chance...to...survive. (We hear the sound of Pac-Man ending and Bag Boy Ethan drops the joystick in disgust.) Damn that crafty Inky!
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Bag Boy Ethan! You mealy-mouthed mullet head! Open the flume!
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Yeah? Okay. (Lazily flips a switch and kicks back in his chair to open a package of Twinkies)
SCENE:
The SS ScumRunner where everyone is still arguing. A loud explosion is heard off camera and everyone is knocked down to the deck. As they all get up to peer over the railing, a loud sucking sound is heard, like a drain or a toilet flushing.
ROY::
What was that?
EUGENE:
Hey, wasn't that...
SIGFREID:
What would he be doing here?
CAPTAIN:
Where did he go?
SCENE:
The S.S. BigWig. Red lights are going off all over the bridge and bag boys are scurrying about. Sam's Evil Toupee is sitting in the captain's chair.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
We have them! We have them! Bag Boy Carl, flip the video monitor to the containment chamber of the cytoplasmic reversal flume. I want to watch those ScumRunners get scrambled.
BAG BOY CARL:
Sir, I don't think we've captured the S.S. ScumRunner. I think something else was sailing over the flume when we opened it.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Impossible! There was nothing else on sonar. Flip on the video monitor!
BAG BOY CARL:
Sir, I don't think you're going to like this.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Do it!
BAG BOY CARL:
Fine. But don't come crying to me with your panties in a knot.
Bag Boy Carl flips the switch and we see Sam's Evil Toupee in the captain's chair watching the monitor as the bag boys gather behind him. The elated expression on his fact turns to horror.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
What the? It can't be!
BAG BOY CARL:
Like I didn't try to warn you.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
It's...It's...Sam Donaldson!
SCENE:
The video monitor where we see Sam stepping off his captured yacht with a martini in hand. Several of the other bag boys are around him and he is signing autographs.
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Yeah, and get a load of that sexy rug he's wearing. Va Va Va Voom!
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
No!!!
