Pond Scum: A Sea Epic of Microscopic Proportions
Episode #2 - Here's Sammy!
SCENE:
The barracks below deck on the S.S. ScumRunner. Total darkness. We hear snoring.
SLUGGO:
Sigfreid?
SIGFREID:
Yes, Sluggo?
SLUGGO:
Could you and Roy do your shadow puppets?
SIGFREID:
I think Parry and Eugene are asleep.
SLUGGO:
(We hear the feedback as a megaphone is turned on and Sluggo's voice comes through it loudly) Are you guys asleep?
Parry and Eugene scream in the darkness. We hear a crashing sound, glass breaking, a fart and then a chicken clucking.
SLUGGO:
(Turns on flashlight) Do the rabbit! (The flashlight is shining through Sigfreid & Roy who, since they are amoeba, can change their shapes. A rabbit shadow appears on the wall.)
EUGENE:
Hey, that's pretty good. Can you do a dog? (Sigfreid & Roy change shape and we see a basic shadow puppet dog on the wall).
SIGFREID:
Here's a little segment we like to call Tribute to Two: A Montage of Celebrity Pairs.
An image of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz appears, so accurate it looks like a photograph.
PARRY:
I Love Lucy!
Another image appears on the wall: Batman & Robin
SLUGGO:
Batman & Robin!
PARRY:
Love a man in tights.
ROY:
And finally, a sinister duo near and dear to our hearts. (They form Sam Donaldson, who is wearing Sam's Evil Toupee. Everyone boos and hisses)
SIGFREID:
Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind.
Sluggo puts the flashlight on the floor, the light facing up to illuminate the room enough so we can see the characters. Parry pulls a pack of cigarettes out from beneath his pillow and passes them around to everyone.
EUGENE:
(Lighting cigarette) So what is the story behind Sam's Evil Toupee?
SIGFREID:
(Taking a drag off a cigarette; the smoke exhales from Roy) Actually, Eugene, it is a sad tale of a misguided hairpiece whose life could have taken a very different path, were it not for the dark forces of evil.
SLUGGO:
Just like Anakin Skywalker.
PARRY:
Or Rosie O'Donnell.
SIGFREID:
Sam's Evil Toupee was once a budding young comic (Fade away from the ScumRunner to Sam's Evil Toupee sitting atop the head of a pudgy comedian in a smoky lounge), but in those days, a toupee wasn't allowed to work alone. He needed a fat white comedian to deliver his lines to a room full of other fat white people.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
(Whispering joke into comedian's ear.) Wow, look at this guy down here.
COMEDIAN:
(Repeating awkwardly) Wow, look at this guy down here.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
COMEDIAN:
(Clearly confused) I don't leave carnations, but are you alive? (Audience stares in silence)
SIGFREID:
One night after the show, Sam's Evil Toupee was rehearsing some new bits.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
SAM:
(Sitting in the dark at a table in the back) That's very funny.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
SAM:
You don't need those dunderheads beneath you, butchering your work. You need a very different kind of man.
Cut back to barracks.
PARRY:
I couldn't agree more. You go girl.
Cut back to nightclub.
SAM:
How would you like to control the world?
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
What?
SAM:
(Loudly) How would you like to control the world!!
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
How would I do that?
SAM:
By controlling the news. By sitting atop the head of America's most beloved television anchorman and feeding him lines for the entire world to hear.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Who's that?
SAM:
Me, Sam Donaldson.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
I've never heard of you.
SAM:
Well no, not yet...
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
It's kind of hard to be America's most beloved television anchorman when no one knows who the hell you even are.
SAM:
I was projecting. Looking ahead. Get off my back.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
So why do you need me?
SAM:
Because research groups tested me with women 25-54 and the sight of me gives them incontinence and oily discharge. Like you I need a partner to appeal to the masses.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Let's have a look at you.
SAM:
You will scream and run like the others.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
It can't be that bad. (Flips over a footlight to shed light on Sam Donaldson. We see a hideous man with bright orange Bozo hair and a pink, lumpy scalp that is oozing blue liquid) Ahhh! (Sam's Evil Toupee runs away. Comes back in after a few seconds)
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Wow. Can't you at least cut that Bozo hair?
SAM:
(Breaking down and sobbing) It's no use. I'm a horrid, wretched monster! I'll never realize my dream of controlling the news.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Geez. I can't stand to see a freakish imp cry. Let's try you on for size and see what we get. (It is extremely difficult for Sam's Evil Toupee to squeeze all of Sam's hideous melon under him. Eventually he is able to pull it all beneath him). There. How's that?
SAM:
(Sounding like someone who has inhaled helium) It feels a bit cramped.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
We'll work on it.
SIGFREID:
So Sam and Sam's Evil Toupee started working their way up the ladder. It wasn't long before ABC hired them as a substitute for that do nothing, Peter Jennings. Tired of watching that drunken Canadian yammer through the news, America fell in love with Sam Donaldson and his faithful hair hat. Sam Donaldson selected the news items he wanted America to hear, and his loyal hairpiece fed him the words that sounded so eloquent. But something was very, very wrong. The disturbing ooze seeping from Sam's freakish scalp was being absorbed into Sam's Evil Toupee, eating away at his brain and turning him evil.
SAM:
(Looking into the camera, on the set of ABC news) Today in Syria, millions of refugees discovered that I like to place marbles in my butt. (Sam scrambles to change subject by shuffling notes) In a related story, I like to place Peter Graves in my butt. (Sam storms off the set and Peter Jennings stumbles on, drinking and smoking.)
PETER JENNINGS:
Hey Sammy, why don't you put those gigantic eyebrows in your butt? (Singing) Oh, Canada. (Farts and passes out)
SIGFREID:
It didn't take long before Sam's Evil Toupee was out on the street. Desperate and broken, he tried to go back to comedy, but the toxic ooze from Sam Donaldson's bulbous, disgusting melon had done too much damage.
COMIC:
(On stage wearing Sam's Evil Toupee. Flop sweat indicates he is already having a hard time.) So where are you from, sir?
MAN IN CROWD:
Garden City, New Jersey
COMIC:
Do you have currently have anything placed in your butt? (Comic tears off Sam's Evil Toupee and marches off the stage as he is being pelted with tomatoes.)
SCENE:
Back in the barracks.
SIGFREID:
So Sam's Evil Toupee slithered his way into the Petri Dish Sea À evil, disturbed and still on a distorted quest to rule the world.
SLUGGO:
How did he shrink down to fit into a Petri Dish?
SIGFREID:
No idea.
EUGENE:
Why is his entire crew made of bag boys?
SIGFREID:
Beats the hell out of me, chief.
PARRY:
That's a great story, Sigfreid.
SLUGGO:
Do more shadow puppets.
EUGENE:
Do Tom Cruise.
PARRY:
Excuse me? If anyone is doing Tom Cruise, it's going to be me.
Fade out.
