Pond Scum: A Sea Epic of Microscopic Proportions
Episode #1 - Meet the ScumRunners
SCENE:
The smoke-filled barracks below deck on the S.S. ScumRunner. Parry, Sluggo, Sigfreid & Roy are seated around the card table, playing poker. Roy takes a drag on his cigarette and the smoke comes out of Sigfreid's food vacuole.
PARRY:
How many cards, Roy Toy?
ROY:
Let's see. I think I'll...
SIGFREID:
He wants two.
ROY:
Just because you have the nuclei doesn't mean you have all the answers.
SIGFREID:
Do what you want.
ROY:
Fine, I will. Parry, give me two cards.
SLUGGO:
(Pointing to the cake on the counter) I want cake!
PARRY:
(Pulls out a "Sluggo to English - English to Sluggo Dictionary" to try and decipher what Sluggo means). I want cake. I want cake. Nope. No idea what the hell you're saying there, Sluggo. How many cards?
SLUGGO:
I want cake! I want cake!
PARRY:
Did he get into the salt again? How many cards, Sigfreid?
SIGFREID:
I believe I'll...
ROY:
He wants four! No wait! He wants two! Twelve! No! A hundred and forty two!
SIGFREID:
I'll stay, Parry.
ROY:
Dammit!
Enter Captain (the liver fluke) and Eugene (euglena). Eugene is in uniform and holding his duffel bag.
CAPTAIN:
Boys, I want you to meet Eugene. He has been assigned to serve here with us on the S.S. ScumRunner.
PARRY:
(Aside) Is that a flagellum in your pants or are you just glad to see me? (To Eugene) Hi, I'm Parry. Flaming in the streets, asexual in the sheets.
SIGFREID:
Hello, Eugene. It's a pleasure to have you aboard. My name is Sigfreid.
ROY:
Hi, Eugene. I'm...
SIGFREID:
And this is Roy.
ROY:
Burn in hell, evil twin.
EUGENE:
I can't believe I get to sail with the mighty ScumRunners, Protectors of the Petri Dish Sea. You guys are legends in the water drop where I grew up.
CAPTAIN:
Gentlemen, we have a busy day tomorrow. Intelligence is getting reports of unexplained activity north of the Red Algal Bloom, and that can only mean one thing.
EVERYONE:
(Looking into the camera as ominous music plays) Sam Donaldson's Evil Toupee and his diabolical gang of malevolent bag boys. (Ominous music stops abruptly, sounding like a needle scratching across the phonograph. Everyone resumes previous positions)
CAPTAIN:
Be sure you have a good breakfast tomorrow and get plenty of rest tonight.
PARRY:
Come on, Captain. Try it like we practiced.
CAPTAIN:
Oh, I'm not sure I'm ready yet. In front of the new guy and all.
SIGFREID:
You can do it, Captain.
ROY:
We have faith in you.
PARRY:
Give her all you've got, Captain.
SLUGGO:
(In a deep, intellectual voice) Hearken back to your role as Shylock in the ship's summer stock production of The Merchant of Venice. Project with emotion and feel your character's pain. (Everyone looks at Sluggo for a moment)
CAPTAIN:
Okay, here goes. Alright, you single-celled suckholes! Lights out at 2200 hours! And don't make me come back down here to tuck your sissy asses in. This isn't camp, ladies. This is the Petri Dish Navy and you're ScumRunners! Sworn to protect the seas from pirates and rogues. Yes, we have a dangerous job. Do we run and hide?
EVERYONE:
Hell no!
CAPTAIN:
Do we back down from a fight for truth and righteousness just because the odds are against us?
EVERYONE:
No! Never!
CAPTAIN:
Do we question the creators of this cartoon when evil Hollywood celebrities implausibly appear in a petri dish the size of a hockey puck?
EVERYONE:
Yes! Sometimes!
CAPTAIN:
But we do our jobs! Why?
EVERYONE:
Because we're ScumRunners!
CAPTAIN:
Why?
EVERYONE:
(Louder) Because we're ScumRunners!!
CAPTAIN:
I can't hear you!
PARRY:
Captain, if you're having trouble discerning our voices from background noise, why not place these in your ear (hands him tiny hearing aids). Space age technology makes these little miracles so tiny, you're loved ones won't even know they're there.
CAPTAIN:
Oh, thanks, Parry. I appreciate it. Now dress that line!! Look sharp before I start cracking skulls!! (Everyone freezes at attention) H-H-How was that?
EVERYONE:
(Running to hug and congratulate Captain on his performance. Parry slaps his ass and Sluggo hands Captain a dozen roses.) Wow! What a performance, Captain! Way to go!
As everyone continues to shower Captain with praise, the camera pans over to the cake on the counter, zooming in to show the surveillance camera peering out from the frosting. Scene cuts to Sam Donaldson's Evil Toupee, who is at the helm of his space age submarine, the S.S. BigWig, watching the ScumRunners on the monitor.
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Laugh now, you dim-witted dolts, for tomorrow you will encounter my full evil wrath. You don't stand a chance against a hair replacement system as dastardly and natural looking as me. Soon there will be no more ScumRunners, and the Petri Dish Sea will be mine. All mine!
Suddenly the video screen in front of Sam's Evil Toupee shows a slimy monster coming at the camera - it's Sluggo's mouth. Sam screams in terror and falls out of his captain's chair. The monitor goes to white noise. Cut back to Sluggo who is eating the cake and laughing like a buffoon.
PARRY:
Well what do you, know. Sluggo really did want cake. (Everyone gives schticky laugh)
Cut back to Sam's Evil Toupee who is pulling himself up from the floor, hair all out of place. Enter Bag Boy Ethan.
BAG BOY ETHAN:
Geez, boss. Bad hair day?
SAM'S EVIL TOUPEE:
Silence, Bag Boy Ethan! (Shaking his fist at the monitor) That space-age spy camera cost me three easy flex payments of $79.99. You will pay, ScumRunners! You will pay! And don't forget the exorbitant shipping and handling costs!
NARRATOR:
What will happen to our feckless heroes aboard the SS ScumRunner? Will they sail unwittingly into the dastardly trap laid by Sam's Evil Toupee? Will Sam's Evil Toupee rule the world with an iron fist and a shock of hair as lifelike and natural as a chia pet? Will Captain retire from the Petri Dish navy to pursue his dream of performing Shakespeare in the round at the Mall of America food court? Tune in next time for another nail-biting episode of Pond Scum! Member FDIC. Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Offer not valid for residents of Utah, downstate Indiana or friends and family of anyone named Cyrus.
